Tell me a joke

[BMR Genie]

"Brenda and Terry are going out for the evening. The last thing they do is put their cat out.

The taxi arrives, and as the couple walk out of the house, the cat scoots back in.

Terry returns inside to chase it out. Brenda, not wanting it known that the house
would be empty, explains to the taxi driver, 'My husband is just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.'

Several minutes later, an exhausted Terry arrives and climbs back into the taxi saying, 'Sorry I took so long, the stupid idiot was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger several times before I could get her to come out!'"

 

[matician]

1. What did the penis say to the vagina?
Don’t make me come in there!

2. Google search is a woman because it doesn’t let you finish a sentence before it makes suggestions.

3. Why is sex like math?
You add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray there’s no multiplying.

4. What do you call a smiling Roman soldier with a piece of pube stuck between his front teeth?
A glad-he-ate-her.

5. Who cooks in a lesbian relationship?
No one, they both eat out.

 

[BMR Genie]

JJGold had been in the tree service business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Arizona, as far from humanity as possible.​

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it, and a huge, bearded man is standing there. “Name’s Bear, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night, thought you might like to come. About 5:00.” “Great”, says JJ, “after six months out here I’m ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.” As Bear is leaving, he stops. “Gotta warn you ... be some drinkin.” “Not a problem” says JJ. “After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of ‘em.” Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. “More ‘n’ likely gonna be some fightin’ too.” “Well, I get along with people, I’ll be all right. I’ll be there, thanks again.” “More’n likely be some wild sex, too.” “Now that’s really not a problem,” says JJ, warming to the idea. “I’ve been all alone for six months! I’ll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?” “Don’t much matter ... just gonna be the two of us.”

On the other thread, I think it was @slickfazzer asking about JJ"s companion named "Bear", now I know where he gets it lol

 

[stevek173]

This Rich Woman Thought She Had The Perfect Husband. But Then He Said This.

Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stopped to listen.
MAN: "Hello!"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN:” Yes”

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000: Is it OK If I buy it?"

MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.“

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN $90000

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the
options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $930,000 for It."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. if not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: “Bye! I love you, too."

The man hung up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turned and asked, "Anyone know whose phone this is?”

I pissed myself!

 

[Tanko]

A wife was cleaning 12-year-old son’s bedroom when she found a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags.

She asked her husband, “what do we do?”

The husband said, “I’m no expert, but I wouldn’t fuc#ng spank him.”

 

[biprob]

Couple of sports ones:
Lou Gehrig: Tell it to me straight Doc, how bad is it?
Doc: It's terminal Lou but look on the bright side..this ALS is so obscure & hard to pronounce & you're so famous maybe one day they'll name it after you!!!

Lance Armstrong: Stage 3 testicular cancer, is that bad?
Doc: This ain't the Tour de France Lance..there is no Stage 5..so not good.

 

[stevek173]

Knock knock

Who's there?

Ivanna Seymour

Ivanna Seymour who?

Ivanna Seymour butts!

(drops mic)

 

[BMR Genie]

Difficult Landing​

"The airline had a policy that required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a - 'Thanks for flying XYZ airline'.

An airline pilot on this
particular flight hammered his plane into the runway really hard. In light of his bad landing, he had difficulty looking the passengers in the eye, all the time he thought that a passenger would have a
smart comment. However, it seemed that all the passengers were too shell shocked to say anything.


Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, 'Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?'
Why no Ma'am,' said the pilot, 'What is it', the little old lady
said, 'Did we land or were we shot down?'"

 

[BMR Genie]

 

[baz]

I got a good one. Tell someone you hope NO HARM came to their family as a result of their bad capping and get hit with a lifetime ban. That is quite a joke my friend.

 

[BMR Genie]

I got a good one. Tell someone you hope NO HARM came to their family as a result of their bad capping and get hit with a lifetime ban. That is quite a joke my friend.

Hi Baz, may I ask for your original account? or you are referring to this experience from another forum?

 

[baz]

Hi Baz, may I ask for your original account? or you are referring to this experience from another forum?

Hi Baz, may I ask for your original account? or you are referring to this experience from another forum?

Kidbazkit. SBR. Which I reached out to SBR intially as what I said was a little unusual but was in no way shape or form threatenting whatsoever. Not even close. If you folks want to ban me here as well go for it. At least I finally got to voice what happened. It's cool though. I wouldn't of ever brought it up again. My inital post in this thread was all I had to say regarding the matter.

 

[kidcudi92]

 

[kidcudi92]

Farmers get it

 

[JDS]

Kidbazkit. SBR. Which I reached out to SBR intially as what I said was a little unusual but was in no way shape or form threatenting whatsoever. Not even close. If you folks want to ban me here as well go for it. At least I finally got to voice what happened. It's cool though. I wouldn't of ever brought it up again. My inital post in this thread was all I had to say regarding the matter.

Hey it’s BeatTheJerk aka Jerky

 

[JDS]

What happens to a Jewish guy who walks into a brick wall with a 3 inch erect cock ?

“He breaks his nose“.

 

[BMR Genie]

What happens to a Jewish guy who walks into a brick wall with a 3 inch erect cock ?

“He breaks his nose“.

The nose hit first! lol

 

[BMR Genie]

Kidbazkit. SBR. Which I reached out to SBR intially as what I said was a little unusual but was in no way shape or form threatenting whatsoever. Not even close. If you folks want to ban me here as well go for it. At least I finally got to voice what happened. It's cool though. I wouldn't of ever brought it up again. My inital post in this thread was all I had to say regarding the matter.

I remember your username, Baz! Everyone is welcome here. We have a great community here, so please enjoy and feel at home.

 

[carolinakid]

- YouTube

Enjoy the videos and music you love, upload original content, and share it all with friends, family, and the world on YouTube.

www.youtube.com

 

[KVB]

@baz in the house!!!!

And that's no joke!!!!!