Tell me a joke

[edawg]

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With Oscar in the middle I wouldn't be surprised guy is one weird cat.

 

[edawg]

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I would always do right by her.

 

[Franz555]

With Oscar in the middle I wouldn't be surprised guy is one weird cat.

One odd Dude for sure

 

[Franz555]

 

[maltedhopsfrenzy]

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That gap is too narrow, I think I can jump that…..

 

[Tanko]

That gap is too narrow, I think I can jump that…..

If you miss, you live in a lifetime of purgatory....

 

[edawg]

Teacher asks the class to use fascinate in a sentence. Susie says " I went to NASA looked through the telescope and the stars are fascinating." Teacher says that's wonderful but I want someone to use fascinate in a sentence not fascinating." Nobody can think of it in a sentence until the teacher finally calls on Little Johnny. Johnny says " Teach you have 10 buttons on your sweater but since you have such beautiful big you only fasten eight."

 

[BMR Genie]

"A young girl started work in the village pharmacy.
She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.
The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.
She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives.
"Look," he said. "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they'll ask for a 610 [small] a 620[medium] or a 630[large]. The word condom wont even be used.
The first day was fine but on the second day a black guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said "650". The girl panicked.
She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament.
"Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs" her boss told her.
She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs.
"Yes "!! she said "He's got one hanging right there"....!
The boss said "Go back in and give him SIX POUNDS FIFTY, he's the Window cleaner"

 

[BMR Genie]

"An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine
aircraft.
A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the
employees!
The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a mobile phone!
He yelled, "Mayday, mayday! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack! I grabbed his mobile phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory! I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph!”
The employee in the tower immediately put him on speaker phone!
"Calm down, we acknowledge you and we'll guide you down after a few questions!
The first thing is not to panic! Remain calm!"
He began his series of questions:
Tower: "How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet?"
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the altimeter dial in front of me!"
Tower: "Okay, that’s good, remain calm! How do you know you're traveling at 180 mph?"
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the airspeed dial in front of me!"
Tower: "Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast! So how do you know you’re
flying upside down?”
Aircraft: “The shit in my pants is running out of my shirt collar!”

 

[BMR Genie]

"Two women meet in heaven and share their “how I died” stories.

Wanda: “I froze to death.”

Sylvia: “How awful!” ,

Wanda: “It wasn’t too bad. Once I stopped shivering, I just drifted off to sleep.”

Sylvia: “I died of a heart attack. I thought my husband was cheating, so I rushed home to catch him. But he was just watching TV. I searched the house, the attic, the basement, and every closet until I collapsed from exhaustion… and died.”

Wanda: “Too bad you didn’t check the freezer—we’d both still be alive!”

 

[BMR Genie]

"There was a young Scottish boy called Angus who decided to try life in Australia. He found an apartment in a small block and settled in. After a week or two, his mother called from Aberdeen to see how her son was doing in his new life. 'I'm fine, ' Angus said. 'But there are some really strange people living in these apartments. One woman cried all day long, another lies on her floor moaning, and there is a guy next door to me who bangs his head on the wall all the time.' 'Well, ma laddie,' says his mother, 'I suggest you don't associate with people like that.' 'Oh,' says Angus, 'I don't, Mam, I don't. No, I just stay inside my apartment all day and night, playing my bagpipes.'"

 

[Tanko]

Guy goes into the post office to interview for a job.

Postmaster: "Do you have any allergies?"
Guy: "Yes, caffiene. I stay away from coffee and other drinks."
Postmaster: "Are you a veteran?"
Guys: "Yes. I was in Afghanistan".
Postmaster: "Great, you get bonus points for that."

Postmaster: "Do you have any disabilities?"
Guy: "Yes. I had both my testicals blown off by an IED in Afghanistan."
Postmaster: "I'm sorry to hear that but as as a disabled veteran you get additional bonus points. As a matter of fact, that makes it so you will get the job.".

Guy: "Great. When can I start."
Postmaster: "We work from 8 to 4 but you don't have to come in until 10."

Guy: "If you start at 8 why don't I come in then?"
Postmaster: "Because its a government job. The first two hours of every day is standing around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. There's no need for you to be here for that."

 

[BMR Genie]

Guy goes into the post office to interview for a job.

Postmaster: "Do you have any allergies?"
Guy: "Yes, caffiene. I stay away from coffee and other drinks."
Postmaster: "Are you a veteran?"
Guys: "Yes. I was in Afghanistan".
Postmaster: "Great, you get bonus points for that."

Postmaster: "Do you have any disabilities?"
Guy: "Yes. I had both my testicals blown off by an IED in Afghanistan."
Postmaster: "I'm sorry to hear that but as as a disabled veteran you get additional bonus points. As a matter of fact, that makes it so you will get the job.".

Guy: "Great. When can I start."
Postmaster: "We work from 8 to 4 but you don't have to come in until 10."

Guy: "If you start at 8 why don't I come in then?"
Postmaster: "Because its a government job. The first two hours of every day is standing around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. There's no need for you to be here for that."

OMG!

 

[BMR Genie]

"A bunch of nuns lineup to go to heaven
The angel at the pearly gates said I have to ask you a question before you’re allowed into heaven
He asked the first nun have you ever touched a penis before?
The first nun said well there is that one time with the tip of my finger
So the angel asked the nun to dip her finger in the holy water when she did, she was allowed to enter.
The second nun was asked the same question. Have you ever touched a penis before?
The second one said I have held one in my hand.
So the angel said, wash your hand in the holy water and when she did, she was allowed to enter.
Then there was a commotion and one of the nuns was trying to cut in line.
Sister Susan what is this? There is no rush said the angel
Sister Susan replied if have to gargle my mouth with this stuff.
I’d rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it."

 

[MinnesotaFats]

Why are synogauges round?

So no one can hide in the corner when it's collection time...

 

[Tanko]

While attending his boss's funeral, Jimmy knelt down next to the coffin and whispered, "Who's thinking outside the box now biatch".

 

[MinnesotaFats]

LOL

 

[JDS]

While attending his boss's funeral, Jimmy knelt down next to the coffin and whispered, "Who's thinking outside the box now biatch".

Makes me think of Brian Thompson

 

[flyingillini]

How do you starve Leroy?

Hide his food stamps under his works boots.

 

[JDS]

How do you starve Leroy?

Hide his food stamps under his works boots.

Leroy Jenkins was a composer and a successful black man. What you talkin’ bout Willis ?