Tell me a joke

[edawg]

3 women pass away and meet St Peter at the pearly gates. St Peter asks each of them how many men they have had relations with in their lives? First woman says she has given her whole life to God and had no sexual relations with men. St Peter immediately gives her a gold key for her purity. Second woman says she only had sexual relations with one man that became her husband. St Peter gives her a silver key for her contrition. Third woman says I slept with about 50 guys before I was married another 3 while I was married and probably 20 more after my husband died. St Peter slips a tiny key in her pocket and says this is the key to my room.

 

[phillyflyers]

What do you call a black mermaid?

A water felon.

 

[Franz555]

 

[BMR Genie]

"One day an old Irishman, who had been stranded on a desert island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.
He thought to himself, “It’s certainly not a ship.”
As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.
Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit.
Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask, and zipping down the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
She walked up to the stunned old Irishman and said to him,
“Tell me, how long has it been since you’ve had a good cigar?”
“Ten years!” replied the amazed old Irishman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.
He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag.
“Faith and begorrah!” said the castaway. “Ah, that is so good! I’d forgotten how great a smoke can be!”
“And how long has it been since you’ve had a drop of good Bushmills Irish Whiskey?” asked the blonde. Trembling, the castaway replied,
“Ten years!” Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.
He opened the flask and took a long drink.
” Tis nectar of the gods!” shouted the old Irishman.”
“Tis truly fantastic!!!”
At this point, the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle.
She looked at the trembling old man and asked,
“And how long has it been since you’ve played around?”
With tears in his eyes, the old man fell to his knees and sobbed,
“Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don’t tell me you’ve got golf clubs in there too!”

 

[Franz555]

View attachment 44062

 

[maltedhopsfrenzy]

View attachment 44062

 

[kostasmalina]

A Rabbi And A Priest Get Into A Huge Car Accident​

After both of them crawl out of their cars, the rabbi looks and the priest and says:
"Look at that! Both of our cars are completely demolished, and yet here we are alive and well! This must be a sign from God that we should become good friends!"
The Priest, looking at the total wreckage of both cars agrees
The rabbi then grabs something from his destroyed car and says: "And look at that, even though everything in my car is destroyed, this bottle of expensive wine is not broken. This is also a sign from God that we should open it now and drink together to celebrate our new friendship!".
The priest agrees.
The rabbi than hands the wine bottle to the priest and he takes a few big chugs from it. He than hands it back to the rabbi.
The rabbi immediately puts the bottle cap on and hands it back to the priest.

The priest, confused, asks "Aren't you going to drink some?"
The rabbi than says "You know... I think I'll wait for the police to arrive!"

 

[RRsilver]

Tell a joke?

The books are easy to beat.

Best joke I know.

 

[kostasmalina]

A group of five Jewish women are eating lunch in a busy cafe. Nervously, their waiter approaches the table. “Ladies,” he says. “Is anything okay?”

 

[kostasmalina]

omg

 

[kostasmalina]

A Jewish grandfather takes his grandchildren to the beach. They’re playing in the sand when suddenly, a massive wave comes and pulls the smallest grandson out into the water. Panicked, the grandfather prays to God. “Oh God, please bring him back! Please let him live!” Suddenly, an even bigger wave bursts out of the ocean, setting the little boy down right at his grandfather’s feet. He scoops him up into a hug.

Then he stares up at the sky and says, “He had a hat.”

 

[kostasmalina]

I just met a friend this weekend who's a second gen Bronx jew immigrant and who tells the funniest stories. Can't share much of them here but I've been reading the internet jokes for like 3 hours straight now. HE HAD A HAT LMAO


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A group of people standing on a subway platform — an American, a Russian, and an Israeli. A reporter approaches and says, “Excuse me, can I get your opinion about the meat shortage?”

“What’s a shortage?” says the American.

“What’s meat?” says the Russian.

“What’s excuse me?” says the Israeli.

 

[RRsilver]

Man, and his wife are watching TV one night, and the man says,
"Honey I would like a little pussy" and the wife says
"me too."

 

[BMR Genie]

"Just learnt that a dentist a block away from here was arrested for dealing drugs. Shows how wrong you can be about people. I had been going to him for over 10 years. Never knew he was a dentist."

 

[BMR Genie]

 

[Franz555]

 

[Franz555]

 

[Franz555]

 

[Franz555]

 

[Franz555]