Tell me a joke

[BMR Genie]

"A guy finds a genie who offers him one wish. Already rich and happy, he asks to always climax at the same time as his wife.

A few weeks later, he’s back rubbing the lamp.

“Genie, I need to undo that wish.”

The genie asks, “Why? Did something go wrong?”

“No, it works fine. But picture this: I’m at the bar with my buddies, playing cards, having a beer... then boom—orgasm.”

 

[Franz555]

 

[Franz555]

 

[maltedhopsfrenzy]

A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her.

All these years she had no clue.

One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" He said, "Explain the kids!"

 

[DiggityDaggityDo]

 

[BMR Genie]

"After 20 years of marriage a husband and wife go to counseling. When asked what the problem is, the wife breaks into a passionate tirade of every problem they've ever had.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist gets up, walks over to the wife, makes her stand up and kisses her very hard. The woman shuts up and quietly sits down.
The therapist says to the husband, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
After a moment the husband replies, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I fish."

 

[BMR Genie]

 

[Tanko]

View attachment 62984

Was expecting the last box to say.... protologist instead of dentist.

Man, I am a sick person.

 

[BMR Genie]

Was expecting the last box to say.... protologist instead of dentist.

Man, I am a sick person.

Something close to the original request.

 

[maltedhopsfrenzy]

Little Johnny comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said Little Johnny..

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.

He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile, and says:

"Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

 

[DiggityDaggityDo]

 

[BMR Genie]

"The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you."

 

[Tanko]

"The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you."

Sí

 

[maltedhopsfrenzy]

Little Johnny came down to Breakfast.

His mom says, "What do you want for breakfast Johnny?"

Johnny replies, "Just give me some fuckin' corn flakes!"

His mom, shocked at first, grabs the broom and begins to beat the $#!T out of little Johnny. Johnny screams for his life.

All the while Johnny's little brother Timmy witnesses all of this and is staring at Johnny who is now in the fetal position on the floor, sobbing.

His mother, still out of breath, looks up at Timmy.

"Well," says his mother, "What do YOU want for breakfast?"

Timmy says, "I don't know, but I sure as hell don't want no fuckin' corn flakes!"

 

[BMR Genie]

"I went to the dentist for the first time in 5 years. The dentist asked me when I last flossed.

I told him “bro, you were there!”

 

[BMR Genie]

"Man (to his boss): "Can we talk? I have a problem."
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"
Man: "Ok then, I have a serious drinking opportunity."

 

[maltedhopsfrenzy]

A salesman knocks on little Johnny’s door and little Johnny answers completely naked, a scotch in one hand and a cigar in the other…..

Salesman asks “Uh, are your parents home?”

Little Johnny looks him up and down and responds “What the f*** do you think?”

 

[ttwarrior1]

 

[maltedhopsfrenzy]

The teacher is teaching her class about the 5 senses. The night before teaching about the sense of Taste, she buys multiple packs of different flavored Lifesaver candies. The next day, she lines up the candies by flavor: orange, lemon, lime, etc., with the last flavor being honey-flavor, and she has the class guess which flavor each one is. They all do very well, except when it comes to the honey flavor. In an effort to help, she gives a clue: "It's a word that sometimes your mom calls your dad, or your dad calls your mom!"

Immediately, Little Johnny gasps, and screams, " OH MY GOD! WE'VE BEEN EATING ASSHOLES!!"

 

[Franz555]

" Oh the times they are a changing ".....