Tell me a joke

[BMR Genie]

Is this you @maltedhopsfrenzy when someone messes with your beer?

"I was standing at the bar in an International Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer. I asked him,

"Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?"

He says "No, why the f*** would you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?"

"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little fucker."

 

[maltedhopsfrenzy]

Is this you @maltedhopsfrenzy when someone messes with your beer?

"I was standing at the bar in an International Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer. I asked him,

"Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?"

He says "No, why the f*** would you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?"

"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little fucker."

I’m more this guy when I come home to the wife a little late after work:

One night, George went to the bar. He's having a good time, having some drinks, all is well. As the night goes on, George keeps drinking and ends up throwing up all over his shirt.

"Ah shit my wife's going to kill me! She's going to know i stayed out all night and got drunk!"

Bartender Bob says "It's fine, just put a 20 in your shirt pocket and tell your wife some guy here threw up on you, gave you 20 dollars to get the shirt cleaned."

"Great idea!" George exclaims, and proceeds to put the money in his pocket.

He takes a cab home and as he walks through the door, his wife is standing there upset.

His wife says "look at you! You're drunk! You've thrown up all over yourself!"

George: “No no honey, you've got it all wrong! While at the bar some guy threw up on my shirt and slipped 20 bucks in my pocket to get it cleaned!”

Wife: “But, there’s 40 in your shirt pocket...”

George: "Oh yeah, he took a shit in my pants, too."

 

[BMR Genie]

I’m more this guy when I come home to the wife a little late after work:

One night, George went to the bar. He's having a good time, having some drinks, all is well. As the night goes on, George keeps drinking and ends up throwing up all over his shirt.

"Ah shit my wife's going to kill me! She's going to know i stayed out all night and got drunk!"

Bartender Bob says "It's fine, just put a 20 in your shirt pocket and tell your wife some guy here threw up on you, gave you 20 dollars to get the shirt cleaned."

"Great idea!" George exclaims, and proceeds to put the money in his pocket.

He takes a cab home and as he walks through the door, his wife is standing there upset.

His wife says "look at you! You're drunk! You've thrown up all over yourself!"

George: “No no honey, you've got it all wrong! While at the bar some guy threw up on my shirt and slipped 20 bucks in my pocket to get it cleaned!”

Wife: “But, there’s 40 in your shirt pocket...”

George: "Oh yeah, he took a shit in my pants, too."

OMG!!!!!!!

 

[Tanko]

I’m more this guy when I come home to the wife a little late after work:

One night, George went to the bar. He's having a good time, having some drinks, all is well. As the night goes on, George keeps drinking and ends up throwing up all over his shirt.

"Ah shit my wife's going to kill me! She's going to know i stayed out all night and got drunk!"

Bartender Bob says "It's fine, just put a 20 in your shirt pocket and tell your wife some guy here threw up on you, gave you 20 dollars to get the shirt cleaned."

"Great idea!" George exclaims, and proceeds to put the money in his pocket.

He takes a cab home and as he walks through the door, his wife is standing there upset.

His wife says "look at you! You're drunk! You've thrown up all over yourself!"

George: “No no honey, you've got it all wrong! While at the bar some guy threw up on my shirt and slipped 20 bucks in my pocket to get it cleaned!”

Wife: “But, there’s 40 in your shirt pocket...”

George: "Oh yeah, he took a shit in my pants, too."

LMAO... Awesome joke.

 

[harpo]

LOOK in the MIRROR

 

[BMR Genie]

"Two bored male casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blond woman arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of the dice.She says, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.” With that, she strips down, rolls the dice, and yells, “Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!” As the dice come to a stop she jumps up and down and squeals, “YES! YES! I WON, I WON!”She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departs. The dealers stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asks, “What did she roll?” The other answers, “I don’t know—I thought you were watching.”

 

[Franz555]

 

[Franz555]

 

[Franz555]

It's so wrong......Still

 

[Franz555]

 

[BMR Genie]

 

[maltedhopsfrenzy]

A 17-year-old boy walks into a drugstore and says, 'I've been invited to dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterward, I'm hoping to get lucky if you know what I mean.'

So the pharmacist says: 'How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack.'
The young man smiles and says, 'You know what? The mom is also smoking hot. I think I'll take another pack in case I get extra lucky.'

The night of the dinner, the boy sits down at the table and doesn't say a single word. Finally, fuming, his girlfriend says, 'You know what, if I'd had known you would be so quiet, I wouldn't have invited you.'

The young man replies, 'And if I'd known your dad was a pharmacist, I wouldn't have come.'

 

[BMR Genie]

A 17-year-old boy walks into a drugstore and says, 'I've been invited to dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterward, I'm hoping to get lucky if you know what I mean.'

So the pharmacist says: 'How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack.'
The young man smiles and says, 'You know what? The mom is also smoking hot. I think I'll take another pack in case I get extra lucky.'

The night of the dinner, the boy sits down at the table and doesn't say a single word. Finally, fuming, his girlfriend says, 'You know what, if I'd had known you would be so quiet, I wouldn't have invited you.'

The young man replies, 'And if I'd known your dad was a pharmacist, I wouldn't have come.'

The first and last visit.

 

[maltedhopsfrenzy]

My favorite sex position is called the 'WOW.' It's where I flip your MOM over.

 

[BMR Genie]

"A car gets pulled over for inspection because it's driving very slow on the interstate.

Officer: Ma'am, do you know how slow you were driving

woman: 25mph

Officer: Why were you driving so slow?

The woman: Slow? There are signs everywhere that say I-25, so I was driving that speed.

Officer: That's not a speed sign, it's the identification number of the interstate. license and registration, please.

As the driver reaches for the glove compartment, the officer sees the passenger sitting there, pale and shivering.

Officer: Are you okay? What's the problem?

Passenger: We just got off the US-160."

 

[maltedhopsfrenzy]

A woman goes to buy a parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks, 'Why is the last one so cheap?' and the shopkeeper replies, 'Because he used to live in a brothel.' The woman — loving a good bargain — hands over $15.

"When she gets home, the parrot says: 'f*** me, a new brothel!' The woman laughs.

When her daughters get home, the parrot says: 'f*** me, two new recruits!' The girls laugh, too.

When the dad gets home, the parrot says: 'f*** me! Hey Pete! Haven't seen you for weeks!’

 

[Tanko]

A man escapes a prison where he has been locked up for 15 years. He goes into a house and finds a young couple in bed. He forces the young man into a chair and duck taped him there. Then he leans over the woman and kisses her neck, then he goes into the bathroom.

The man whispers to his wife "Honey this man is an escaped convict look at his clothes. He probably hasn't seen a young woman in years, I saw the way he kissed your neck, so do whatever he says or he might kill us be strong honey love you."

The wife leans over and whispers "He wasn't kissing my neck he whispered in my ear that he was gay and thought you were cute. So he asked if we had any lube, I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey love you too."

 

[maltedhopsfrenzy]

A couple on their first date decide to go to his place afterwards. When they arrive, before he even gets the house keys out of his pocket, the girl says, 'You know, I can actually tell whether the man I’m dating and I are compatible just based on how he opens the door. If he busts it open, it means that he’s a selfish lover, and that’s definitely not someone I’m interested in. If he drops the keys, it means that he’s inexperienced in bed, and that’s not who I’m looking for either. So how do you open the door?'

‘Well,' says the guy, 'I’ll just lick the lock a little first before I stick in my key then if you don’t mind.'

 

[BMR Genie]

"George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turnoff the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me ." Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy, you should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available" George said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them right now," and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available."

 

[maltedhopsfrenzy]

"George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turnoff the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me ." Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy, you should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available" George said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them right now," and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available."

That’s not even a joke - especially in Southern California…..