Tell me a joke

[flyingillini]

Leroy Jenkins was a composer and a successful black man. What you talkin’ bout Willis ?

I meant Indian Habeeb

 

[BMR Genie]

"A girl puts out an ad that says husband wanted:
Must not hit me
Must not must not run away from me.
Must have a big penis
a week later the doorbell rings she opens the door and finds a man in a wheelchair
She asks who are you?
He responds I answered your ad,
you see I have no arms so I can’t hit you.
I have no legs so I can’t run away from you
and she responds.
Okay but what about a big penis?
He responds.
How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

 

[BMR Genie]

"A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both his wife and him decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.
The dad said, "Well it's what mommy calls me sometimes."
The little girl screamed at her brother, "Don't eat it. It's an asshole!"

 

[BMR Genie]

"A man and his wife are doing Yard work.
The Husband says to his Wife,
"Your Ass is as wide as the grill."
She ignores the Remark.
A little while later the Husband takes his Measuring tape and goes over to his Wife while she is bending over working on the flower bed.
He measures her rear end and Gasps, "Geez, it IS as wide as the Grill!"
Later that night while in bed the Husband starts to feel Frisky.
She calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you ARE Mistaken.""

 

[DiggityDaggityDo]

 

[MinnesotaFats]

.... I once dated a cross eyed gal, always had the feeling she was seeing someone on the side....

 

[BMR Genie]

"A businessman got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, “T-G-I-F.” He smiled at her and replied, “S-H-I-T.”She looked puzzled and repeated, “T-G-I-F,” more slowly. He again answered, “S-H-I-T.”The blonde was trying to keep it friendly so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possible, “T-G-I-F.” The man smiled back at her and once again, “S-H-I-T.” The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain. “‘T-G-I-F’ means ‘Thank God, It’s Friday!’ Get it, duuhhh?” The man answered, “S-H-I-T means Sorry, Honey, It’s Thursday’—duuhhh.”

 

[BMR Genie]

 

[DiggityDaggityDo]

 

[BMR Genie]

"A man is on his deathbed, and he asks his wife, “Martha, soon I will be gone forever, and there's something I have to know. In all these 50 years of marriage, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
Martha replied, "Well, Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason."
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"
Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker, and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"
Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."
"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."
"Alright," Martha said. "Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"

 

[BMR Genie]

"A 55-year-old lady suddenly started learning to swim instead of her usual routine. Everyone was curious and asked her why.
The lady, with a look of helplessness, replied, "Whenever my son and daughter-in-law quarrel with each other my daughter-in-law always asks my son, 'If your mom and I fall into a pool of water, whom will you save first?'"
"And because I do not want to put my son into a difficult position, I am learning to swim!"
A few days later, husband and wife were quarreling again, and the daughter-in-law unreasonably asked, "Now tell me! If your mom and I fall into the water, who will you save first?"
Husband replied: "I don't have to get into the water, my mom knows to swim, she will save you."
Wife refused to relent: "No, you have to jump into the water, and have to save one of us. Whom will you save?"
Husband replied: "Then you will surely die... because I don't know how to swim .... and my mom will definitely save me first."

 

[BMR Genie]

"Cheating husband dies and makes it to the pearly gates.
St Peter looks at him and says "You were unfaithful to your wife 28 times. Don't worry, you'll be accepted in, only you won't get a brand new car like those who were more loyal in their marriage"

Confused the man asks "I get a car though?"
St Peter replies "Of course. Everyone needs a car in heaven to get around. Only you'll be receiving a beat up old Ford Pinto "
Meanwhile the man sees a couple of his old friends receiving their cars.
The first guy had one minor affair during a rough patch in his marriage and was given a nice Toyota Camry. The second guy is granted a brand new Lamborghini for never even thinking about another woman other than his wife.

All of a sudden, inside heaven, the man with the Ford Pinto starts crying. Concerned, his two friends check on him to ask him why he's so sad.
He points to his wife who is riding around on a pair of roller skates."

 

[Tanko]

Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they're walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole. I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is?"
The second hunter says," I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
The first hunter says, "There's an old gearbox over there, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".
So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.
They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole with no hesitation, and jump in headfirst.
While they are standing there looking at each other, then gazing into the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.

"Say there", says the farmer, "You fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"
The first hunter says "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"
And the old farmer said... "Why that's impossible, I had him chained to an old gearbox!"

 

[jjgold]

People that Laugh at jokes usually have simple minds

 

[BMR Genie]

People that Laugh at jokes usually have simple minds

*have a good sense of humor.

I fixed it for you, JJ.

 

[Tanko]

People that Laugh at jokes usually have simple minds

People who don't laugh at jokes have an IQ < 50.

 

[maltedhopsfrenzy]

simple minds