Tell me a joke

[Tanko]

This was is pretty weak but....

Guy walks into a bar and asks bartender, "You got a light".
Bartender says, "Sure" and pulls out a foot long bic lighter.
Guy says, "Wow, that's a big lighter".
Bartenders says, "Yep. I got it from a genie out back. If you go out there and rub the lamp, he'll give you a wish."

The guy goes out back and sees a lamp and rubs it. Out pops a genie telling him he gets one wish. The guy says, "I'll take a million bucks". Genie says, "Done".

Right then a massive flock of ducks flies over and craps all over the guy.
He goes back inside and says, "That damn genie doesn't hear to well".
Bartender says, "No s#it. You think I asked for a foot long bic?".

 

[BMR Genie]

This was is pretty weak but....

Guy walks into a bar and asks bartender, "You got a light".
Bartender says, "Sure" and pulls out a foot long bic lighter.
Guy says, "Wow, that's a big lighter".
Bartenders says, "Yep. I got it from a genie out back. If you go out there and rub the lamp, he'll give you a wish."

The guy goes out back and sees a lamp and rubs it. Out pops a genie telling him he gets one wish. The guy says, "I'll take a million bucks". Genie says, "Done".

Right then a massive flock of ducks flies over and craps all over the guy.
He goes back inside and says, "That damn genie doesn't hear to well".
Bartender says, "No s#it. You think I asked for a foot long bic?".

Hahaha. It's a good one, Tank.

Like for real, who is going to waste their 1 shot wish on a million ducks and foot long bic? lol

 

[BMR Genie]

"A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”

 

[Tanko]

lady walks into a bar at the top of a skyscraper and sits down next to a guy and asks,"What are you having".

The guy replies, "A magic beer".
She says, "Oh really. What's so magic about it?".

The guy says watch. He downs the beer and walks over to the window and jumps out. He flies around the building three times and then comes back in.

The lady is shocked and looks at the bartender and says, "Give me what he's drinking.".
She downs the beer and goes over to the window and jumps out and falls 50 stories to her death.

The bartender looks at the guy and says, "You know you're a real dick when you're drunk Superman."

 

[DiggityDaggityDo]

lady walks into a bar at the top of a skyscraper and sits down next to a guy and asks,"What are you having".

The guy replies, "A magic beer".
She says, "Oh really. What's so magic about it?".

The guy says watch. He downs the beer and walks over to the window and jumps out. He flies around the building three times and then comes back in.

The lady is shocked and looks at the bartender and says, "Give me what he's drinking.".
She downs the beer and goes over to the window and jumps out and falls 50 stories to her death.

The bartender looks at the guy and says, "You know you're a real dick when you're drunk Superman."

 

[RRsilver]

Tank, here is you a weak one.

Two rednecks were sitting around the campfire in Wyoming drinking Red, White and Blue beer. Talking politics, religion, and quantum physics. when one redneck said to the other,'' did you hear about they canceled the Miss Ebony America beauty contest?''
''Nope cant as I did.''
''Yelp, they couldn't find anyone to represent I da ho!'' (Idaho)

 

[Tanko]

Tank, here is you a weak one.

Two rednecks were sitting around the campfire in Wyoming drinking Red, White and Blue beer. Talking politics, religion, and quantum physics. when one redneck said to the other,'' did you hear about they canceled the Miss Ebony America beauty contest?''
''Nope cant as I did.''
''Yelp, they couldn't find anyone to represent I da ho!'' (Idaho)

LOL. You had me at Red, White, and Blue beer RR. You had me at the beer.

 

[Tanko]

An NFL player goes to the team doctor and says, "Man my a$$ is killing me."
The doctor asks, "Where exactly is it hurting you?".
The player points to his butt and says, "Right at the entrance."
The doctor nods and says, "Well, I'm not surprised. If you keep calling it the entrance, it will continue to hurt."

 

[RRsilver]

A young couple from the country wanted to get married. Neither had ever been to town before. so they loaded up in the pickup and headed to the courthouse. They waited their turn in line and stepped up to the counter. The clerk ask, if he could help them. ''Yes, sir we need a marriage license.''
''OK I will need some information, what is your name?''
''Its Charlie''
''How much do you weigh sir''
About 135lbs.
'' how tall are you?''
'' About 5'6''. ''
''OK maam what is your name?''
'' It is Sara.''
'' How tall are you''
'' oh about 6'1'.''
'' How much do you weigh?''
'' Oh about 235lbs.''
''Damn Sara, you are big enough to play linebacker for the green bay packers!!''
''OH no, I don't play with no one's pecker but Charlies! ''

 

[BMR Genie]

"Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. First Lady:Whats that? Second Lady: A condom. This way my cigarette doesnt get wet. First Lady: Where did you get it? Second Lady : You can get them at any drugstore. The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers. Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel."

 

[edawg]

Bad Superman drinking JW Red what a cheap prick! At least go with the Gold or Blue you are still Superman for Pete's sake.

 

[RRsilver]

Superman was flying around site seeing one day. As he was flying over a private beach he saw wonder woman laying out in the nude. He thought to himself, "I'm so fast I can drop down there hit it real quick, and be gone before she can figure out I was there." So he goes through with it and flies off. Back on the beach wonder woman said, "wow! what was that?' The invisible man who was on top of her at the time said "I have no freaking idea, but it tore my ass up!"

 

[BMR Genie]

"A man, his wife and a good-looking stranger are stranded on a desert island. The wife quickly loses interest in her husband and begins flirting with the good-looking stranger. The three start to build a watchtower. The stranger offers to take first watch. While the husband and wife gather driftwood on the sand, the stranger yells, "Hey! No sex on the beach! Get back to work!" The husband yells back, "We're not having sex!" Later, the stranger yells out to them again. Again, the husband yells back and corrects him. This happens several times during the stranger's shift. Finally, the husband's takes his shift in the watch tower. His wife and the good-looking stranger make passionate love on the beach. The husband on watch exclaims, "Wow, it really does look like f**king from up here!""

 

[BMR Genie]

"Agnes married and had 13 children. When her husband died, she married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. So Agnes remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, Lord, theyre finally together. One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?" The friend replied, "I think he means her legs.""

 

[DiggityDaggityDo]

Why can't the UK and the USA play chess?

Because they're missing one queen and two towers.

 

[KVB]

Why can't the UK and the USA play chess?

Because they're missing one queen and two towers.

Too soon, DDD.

Too soon.

 

[Tanko]

Too soon, DDD.

Too soon.

 

[BMR Genie]

"A small boy is sent to bed by his father… Five minutes later: "Da-ad…" "What?" "I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad…" "WHAT?" "I’m THIRSTY… Can I have a drink of water?" "I told you NO! If you ask again I’ll have to spank you!" Five minutes later: "Daaad…" "WHAT?!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?""

 

[RRsilver]

Why did the drunk bring his ladder to the bar?
He heard drinks were on the house.


Large sign over the door of the bar read,
We have Liquor in the front
Poker in the back.

 

[kostasmalina]

When the phone rings at Dr. Steven’s house at 10:00 p.m., his wife receives the call and passes it to him. “It’s Dr. Silver”, she says. “I hope it isn’t an emergency”.

Dr. Steven receives the phone and says, “Hey, what’s the matter?”

“We need a fourth player for poker”, Dr. Silver says. “Are you coming?”

“Yes, of course”, said Dr. Steven, putting on a serious look. “I will come right now”.

“What happened?” asks his worried wife.

“It’s a serious emergency”, Dr. Steven says. “They have already alerted three doctors, and they need me too”.