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maltedhopsfrenzy

maltedhopsfrenzy

Joined
Jan 24, 2023
Messages
5,287
👍🍺

A woman walks up to the 10 items or less checkstand at the grocery store. She begins unloading her cart - 1 small carton of milk, 1 little cube of butter, 1 apple, 1 candy bar, 1 small bag of chips, and a few more small items.
The checker says to her as he's scanning the items, “You must be single.”
She says yes with a blush and smiling, “Could you tell by all the small items I’m buying?”
The checker says, “No, it’s because you’re just so damn ugly…..”
 

BMR Genie

BMR Genie

Joined
Jun 16, 2016
Messages
39,756
"A woman comes home and tells her husband,
“Remember those headaches I’ve had for years? Well, they’re gone.”
“No more headaches?” the husband asks. “What happened?”
His wife replies, “Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself, and repeat:
‘I do not have a headache.
I do not have a headache.
I do not have a headache.’
And it worked! The headaches are completely gone.”
“Well, that’s wonderful,” says the husband.
His wife then adds, “You know, you haven’t exactly been a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don’t you see the hypnotist and see if he can help with that?”
The husband agrees.
After his appointment, he comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife, and carries her into the bedroom. He lays her on the bed and says, “Don’t move, I’ll be right back.”
He goes into the bathroom, returns a few minutes later, and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
“Wow, that was amazing!” she says.
“Don’t move! I’ll be right back,” he says.
He goes back into the bathroom, returns, and round two is even better than the first. The wife, now breathless, sits up, her head spinning.
Once again, the husband says, “Don’t move, I’ll be right back.”
Curious, the wife quietly follows him to the bathroom. There, she sees him standing in front of the mirror, repeating:
“She’s not my wife.
She’s not my wife.
She’s not my wife.”
 

BMR Genie

BMR Genie

Joined
Jun 16, 2016
Messages
39,756
"A mother-in-law wanted to test her three sons-in-law to see how kind-hearted they were.

She devised a simple plan.
First, she went for a walk by the river with the eldest son-in-law.
Suddenly, she jumped into the water, pretending to drown.
The first son-in-law immediately jumped in and rescued her.
The next morning, he found a brand-new Toyota Corolla parked outside his house with a note:
"From your loving Mother-in-Law."
Next, she went for a walk by the river with the second son-in-law and repeated the same act.
Without hesitation, he also saved her.
The following morning, he too found a Toyota Corolla parked outside his house with a note:
"From your loving Mother-in-Law."
Finally, the mother-in-law went for a walk by the river with the third son-in-law.
When she jumped in, he stood on the bank,
chuckled, and walked away. The next morning, he found a luxurious BMW M5 parked outside his house with a note: “From your grateful Father-in-Law.”
 

BMR Genie

BMR Genie

Joined
Jun 16, 2016
Messages
39,756
"At a seminar for elderly women on how to maintain a loving relationship with your husband, the speaker asked:
"How many of you love your husbands?"
All the women raised their hands.
Then she asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"
Some said "today," others said "yesterday," and a few couldn't even remember.
The women were then instructed to send their husbands a simple text:
"I love you, sweetheart."
After sending the message, they were asked to swap phones and read the incoming replies aloud.
Here are some of the hilarious responses:
"Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?"
"What now? Did you crash the car again?"
"I don’t understand what you mean."
"What did you do now? I’m not forgiving you this time!"
"????"
"Don’t beat around the bush—how much do you need?"
"Am I dreaming???"
"If you don’t tell me who this message is really for, you’re dead!"
"I told you to stop drinking!"
And the best one of all:
10. "Who is this?"
 

BMR Genie

BMR Genie

Joined
Jun 16, 2016
Messages
39,756
"A mother-in-law stopped by the recently married couple’s house unexpectedly. She rang the doorbell and stepped inside, where she saw her daughter-in-law standing without clothes by the door.
“What are you doing?” she asked.
“I’m waiting for my husband to come home from work,” the daughter-in-law answered.
“But you’re without clothes!” the mother-in-law exclaimed.
“This is my Love Dress,” the daughter-in-law explained.
“Love Dress? But you’re without clothes!”
“My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy, and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute.” The mother-in-law, tired of all this romantic talk, left.
On the way home, she thought about the Love Dress. When she got home, she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, and waited by the front door.
Finally, her husband got home. He walked in and saw her standing without clothes by the door.
“What are you doing?” he exclaimed.
“This is my Love Dress,” she replied.
“Needs ironing,” he said."
 

BMR Genie

BMR Genie

Joined
Jun 16, 2016
Messages
39,756
**AFTER FOUR YEARS, A WOMAN SHOWED HER HEART… AND HER HUMOR**
A woman lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter kept encouraging her to start dating again.
Finally, she agreed but admitted she didn’t know anyone. Her daughter immediately said, **"Mom, I want to introduce you to someone."**
It was an instant connection. The woman and the man hit it off right away, and after six weeks of dating, he invited her to spend a weekend with him in Spain.
On their first night there, they both undressed. She stood naked except for a pair of black panties, while he stood in his birthday suit. After looking her over, he curiously asked, **"Why black panties?"**
She smiled and said, **"My body is yours to explore, but down there… I’m still grieving."**
He sighed, realizing luck wasn’t on his side that night.
The next evening was the same. She stood before him in black panties, but this time, he was also wearing something—a black cover over his manhood.
She raised an eyebrow and asked, **"What’s with the black?"**
With a smirk, he replied, **"I want to express my deepest condolences."**
 

BMR Genie

BMR Genie

Joined
Jun 16, 2016
Messages
39,756
"An elderly couple is enjoying a 50 year anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, “Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years a go? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you.”
“Yes,” she says, “I remember it well.”
“Ok,” he says, “How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time’s sake.”
“Oooooooh Charlie, you devil, that sounds like a good idea.”
There’s a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, “I’ve got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble.”
So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. They finally get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.
Suddenly, they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes. She’s yelling, “Ohhh, God!” He’s hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn’t know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The Policeman, still watching, thinks that was truly amazing. He was going like a train. I’ve got to ask him what his secret is.
As the couple passes, he says to them, “That was something else. You must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?”
The old man says, “Fifty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence!”
 

BMR Genie

BMR Genie

Joined
Jun 16, 2016
Messages
39,756
"A woman asks her husband at breakfast time,
"Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now.
It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something.
"How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "Its really spoiled my need for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat.
"Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."
"Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm bloody starving."
 

BMR Genie

BMR Genie

Joined
Jun 16, 2016
Messages
39,756
A modified old joke.

"ICE officers stopped by our farm yesterday.
“We need to inspect your property for illegal aliens,” one of them said.
I replied, “Alright, but whatever you do, don’t go into that field over there.”
The officer in charge exploded.
“Mister, I have the authority of the federal government behind me!” he barked, reaching into his back pocket. He yanked out a badge and shoved it in my face.
“See this fucking badge? This badge means I can go wherever I want on ANY land. No questions asked, no answers given. Am I clear? Do you understand?”
I nodded politely and said, “Be my guest.”
Then I went back to my chores.
About ten minutes later, I heard screaming. I looked up and saw six ICE agents running for their lives, being chased by my big, mean, old bull. And with every step, that bull was closing in. Fast.
It looked like they were about to get gored for sure.
So I dropped my tools, ran over to the fence, and shouted at the top of my lungs:
“YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR FUCKING BADGE!”
 

Tanko

Tanko

Joined
Oct 27, 2021
Messages
53,731
A little boy and his friends are being called bastards and bitches by bullies at school. The boy goes home and asks, "Dad, what are bastards and bitches?" And his dad replies, "Bitches are ladies and bastards are gentlemen."

Then the boy goes upstairs to see his mom. As he enters the room, she accidentally drops a perfume bottle, and says, "Shit!" "Mom, what is shit?" and she says, "Perfume."

He heads back downstairs again and sees dad (who is carving a chicken), and his dad cuts himself and yells, "f***!" The boy asks, "Dad, what does f*** mean?" and dad caught offguard says, "its preparing food."

Later than night he follows his dad upstairs. His dad goes into the master bedroom and a few minutes later he hears his dad say, "Where are the condoms?"

The next day the little boy asks, "What are condoms?" and his father says, "Condoms are coats and jackets."

The following night his father invites over some important business clients. The boy opens the door for them and says, "Hello! Please come in you Bastards and bitches. Hang your condoms up here, my mom is upstairs rubbing shit on her face and my dad is in the kitchen fucking the chicken.”
 
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