Tell me a joke

[Tanko]

That’s not even a joke - especially in Southern California…..

Same in South Central Texas. That's why the police will tell you to go ahead and shoot the criminals if you "fear for your life".

 

[BMR Genie]

That’s not even a joke - especially in Southern California…..

Oh shet!

Not a joke, but a strategy haha

 

[BMR Genie]

Same in South Central Texas. That's why the police will tell you to go ahead and shoot the criminals if you "fear for your life".

Wow..

 

[BMR Genie]

"An engineer died and ended up in Hell. Soon, he became dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a while, they had flush toilets, air conditioning, escalators. The engineer was a pretty popular guy. One day God called to Satan and said with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?" Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."God exclaimed, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake--he should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here.""No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue! "Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

 

[maltedhopsfrenzy]

"An engineer died and ended up in Hell. Soon, he became dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a while, they had flush toilets, air conditioning, escalators. The engineer was a pretty popular guy. One day God called to Satan and said with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?" Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."God exclaimed, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake--he should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here.""No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue! "Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

Once again, not a joke.

 

[BMR Ivy]

Why did the couple go to the gym together?

Because they wanted their relationship to work out.

 

[maltedhopsfrenzy]

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.”

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.

“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry…..”

 

[BMR Genie]

"An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Fridayevening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that Statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know," said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

 

[Tanko]

"An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Fridayevening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that Statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know," said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

 

[Franz555]

 

[maltedhopsfrenzy]

I remember the time I saw this beautiful girl as she was leaving a bar. I couldn’t help myself, she was so stunning, I couldn’t pass her up or I’d regret it, I just had to get her number.

So, I said, “You are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen! Could I please get your phone number?”

Turns out she was from China, and was here visiting her cousins, so one of them interprets to her what I had asked. Immediately, her eyes get wide, and as she blushes, she blurts out "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free SEX TONIGHT!!!!!"

I said, "Wow!" And as I’m standing there dumbfounded, not believing my luck, her friend looks at me and says, "Easy there, Casanova, she said 666-3629…..”

 

[maltedhopsfrenzy]

@BMR Genie will appreciate this one:

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.”

“Onions?” the son asks.

“Yes. You see them and they make you cry.”

This infuriated his wife and daughter. So, the daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of penises are there?”

The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.”

“A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks.

“Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration…..”

 

[BMR Genie]

@BMR Genie will appreciate this one:

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.”

“Onions?” the son asks.

“Yes. You see them and they make you cry.”

This infuriated his wife and daughter. So, the daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of penises are there?”

The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.”

“A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks.

“Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration…..”

LOL. Thanks for a good laugh today, Malted.

 

[Franz555]

 

[Franz555]

 

[maltedhopsfrenzy]

A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying.

A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”

 

[Tanko]

View attachment 62563

I laughed out loud on this one.